Why Do I Love These People

I just came from the House of Tran where I was trying to bake cookies with my two best friends from college. We met on our very first day of school, awww. We take a weekend trip to somewhere every year, just the three of us, where we usually drink WAY too much and smoke WAY too much and stay up until the wee hours of the night, and we never ever see the sights of the town.

I say I was trying to bake cookies, because there was only one mixer, and I had to wait for Hole to finish dirtying up the entire counter before I could squeeze my way in. My cookies, pilfered from an Oregonian article from the FoodDay issue that trumpeted the gloriousness of butterfat to the sky (in the form of european style butter), didn't take long to put together but had to rest up in the refrgerator TWICE and they weren't ready to be baked until 1 am...two hours ago....

I was too tired to bake at that point so I brought home the chilled dough and I'll bake tomorrow.

Tomorrow:

I rolled the chilled logs o' dough in colored sugar, but what I didn't know was that all the chemicals that go into coloring sugar make it taste BITTER and generally unpleasant. Next time I'll use beets. Also, the cookies were like little shortbreads in texture, and for all the glorious eurotrash butter, the cookies didn't taste all that buttery. WTF?

Anyway. What I will remember about the cookie "baking" party at the The House of Tran won't be the cookies, it will be how weird Cookie and Hole are. Hole was making Nipple Cookies--you know, the peanut butter cookies that 3/4 of the way through baking you smash a hershey's kiss on top which doesn't melt--and he anally had all his little chocolate kisses unwrapped and arranged on the table. Cookie reached over and began to stuff kiss by chocolate kiss into her mouth until about half of his stash had disappeared.

She did this once before when we were sitting on the floor at the airport waiting to send Hole back to Montana. She grabbed his pack of eclipse gum, which comes packaged in trays of eight to ten or so, and quickly shoved 90% of the tray of gum into her mouth. She was chomping away like a cow with her mouth open and all you could see in there was a big mass of white stuff; tears were pouring down her reddening face, the corners of her gum stuffed mouth were turned down, her eyes were big and sad and her brow was furrowed. She had the face of a sad clown, a sad clown who has shoved a shitload of spearmint flavored eclipse gum into her mouth and realised there are no midget firemen who will come driving up in a midget firetruck to squirt water into her mouth and put out the minty fire. With tears falling, she whined, "it's hot," but of course it came out more like "isth haaawwwwtttt" and all you could see was GUM when she opened her mouth wider to try to enunciate. She kept that damn gum in her mouth for about 5 more minutes, open mouthed chomping, crying, red sad clown face, with me and Hole laughing so hard I almost peed.

Well with the chocolate kisses her mouth was still wide open and the corners were still turned down, but instead of a minty white mass it was a shit colored brown mass. No tears, but Tran had the same sad clown expression and she kept her head tilted up, as if all that chocolate was threatening to spill out at any moment. Again she tried to talk to us, and what it sounded like she whined was, "isssth too sthwwweeett." After much pointing and laughing at the Sad Tran Clown, Hole started unwrapping more kisses and she tried to grab them, as if her gaping cakehole had any more room.

Later on she sneaks over to Hole's Nipple Cookies and smashes down one of the kisses so the nipple is all deformed.

Hole's other cookie he chose to bake was the Nutty Butter Balls. Need I say more.